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An elderly couple decides
to get some ice cream. The old man opts to go alone and asks his wife
what she wants.
I want a banana split, she says. Are you going to remember this, or
should I write it down?
No, no, I’m sure I can remember, the old man replies.
I also want chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry with whipped cream and
sprinkles. You sure you’re going to remember all this?
Yeah yeah, I’m not that old, exclaims the increasingly agitated
husband.
And don’t forget the cherry on top, says the wife.
The old man leaves for the ice cream and returns three hours later with
a bag of bagels.
His wife, looking confused, surveys the order and exclaims, So where
the hell is my cream cheese?
An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Knock her up again." While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust." Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead." A first grade teacher was having discipline problems with a student named Harry. "Harry, what seems to be your major problem with my class?" He answered, "I'm just too smart to be in the first grade, and as a matter of fact I'm smarter than my sister who's in the third grade. So I think I should be in the third grade with her." The teacher was so upset at his arrogance she took him down to the principal's office. She sat him outside and went in to see the principal. Together they devised a plan they thought was sure to put this little know-it-all back in his place. The principal told Harry he was going to give him a test, but if he failed to answer any of the questions correctly he would have to go back with his 1st grade teacher to her classroom, and be good from here on out. Harry agreed to the terms as they were explained to him, and the test went something like this: Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal asked that he thought a third grader should know. He looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Harry should be in the third grade." But Ms. Brooks was not satisfied, and asked if she could ask some questions with the same conditions. Harry and the principal both agreed. Ms. Brooks: "What does a cow have that I only have two of?" Harry: "Legs." Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I don't have?" The principal was a little surprised at this line of questioning. Harry answered, "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: "What starts with a "c," ends with a "t" , is hairy , oval, delicious, and contains thin whitish fluid? Harry: "Coconut." Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink but comes out soft and sticky?" The principal started gasping for breath, and before he could direct Harry not to answer, Harry said, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shakes hands." Ms. Brooks: "What starts with the letter 'f' and ends with the letter 'k' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" The principal started to tremble. Harry: "Firetruck." "That's enough!" said the principal. "Put Harry in the fifth grade! I got the last seven questions wrong." An ugly man walks into a shop with his two kids and asks the clerk for two ice cream cones. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"? The man says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?" "No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"! A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrriiip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she craps all over you!" PRISON VS. WORK Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer. IN PRISON.. You spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it. IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior. IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for watc hing TV and playing games. IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK.. you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK...they are called managers. Have a Great Day at WORK!!!!!!!!!!!! --Author Unknown. Someone who doesn't like anyone flying over their land. http://maps.google.co.uk/maps?f=q&hl=en&t=k&ll=53.538774,-1.346804&spn=0.000875,0.002626&t=k Everyone knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other! DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT? SAFER: You look so good in brown. SAFEST: Wow! Look at You!! ULTRA-SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: What are you ... ? SAFER: Could we be ... ? SAFEST: Here's my paycheck. ULTRA-SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRA-SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: What did you do today? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that old robe. ULTRA-SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Your mother is staying how long? SAFER: Should I just sleep on the sofa? SAFEST: Should I just sleep in the garage? ULTRA-SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: That dress seems a bit too tight. SAFER: Has that dress shrunk since the last time you wore it? SAFEST: You'd think those designers would have real women as models instead of toothpicks. ULTRA-SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. Blonde men DO exist. The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this? The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy...". And here I am. Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk." A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast." Get this," said the bloke to his mates. "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house." "Did he get anything?" his mates asked. "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. My wife thought it was me coming home drunk." 40-ish ........................ 49. Adventurous . Slept with everyone. Athletic ..................... No breasts Average looking .......... Moooo. Beautiful .................... Pathological liar. Emotionally Secure ... On medication. Feminist . Fat Free spirit ................. Junkie Friendship first . Former slut. New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places. Old-Fashioned .......... No BJs. Open-minded . Desperate Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing. Professional ............ Bitch Voluptuous ................ Very Fat Hugging type ..............Hugely Obese Wants soul mate ....... Stalker WOMEN'S ENGLISH: 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = you're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron! 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH: 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you. 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you. 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you. 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you. 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a Local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now." A man goes to the doctors. "Doctor, I think i'm going deaf" says the man "What are the symptoms ?" asks the doctor "Well they are a yellow cartoon family who live in Springfield, but i'm not sure that's relevant" replies the man Attn: Entrepeneurs Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration. If you look at the URL, they seem normal enough but as you stare for a moment certain OTHER patterns appear. 1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is whore presents. 2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at expert sex change {Converted to a search engine so at least one of these smartened up.} 3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at penis land 4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at the rapist finder 5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company power genitalia {Under construction} 6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: molestation nursery 7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always I P anywhere 8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is cumming first 9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: speedo fart 10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at go ta hoe A latch-key lad comes home from school and hears noises in the living room. He goes to investigate and sees his aunt; naked, riding up and down on his uncle. Confused, he asks, "What are you doing?". The aunt, a little embarrassed says, "Um. I'm playing bridge and your uncle is my partner". The boy accepts this and heads to his bedroom upstairs. As he passes his parents room, he hears similar noises and opens the door to see his mother riding up and down on his father. "Mom, what are you doing?" he asks. She hurries to cover herself and says, "Oh hi dear. Your father is playing bridge and I'm his partner". The boy accepts this and continues down the hall to his room. As he enters, he sees his older brother in bed, with the sheets going up and down at a furious pace. He looks over and says, "I suppose your playing bridge too?". When his brother says, "Word up!" he asks, "So where's your partner?". The brother just smiles and says, "Hey! With a hand like this, who needs a partner?". Three winos are sitting around a fire when one says, "You wouldn't think it to see me now, but I'm actually Donald Trump. I had a run of bad luck and well you know the rest of the story." The other two look at him curiously and the second says, "Well I'll be. Before the stock market went crazy, I was known as Bill Gates. I lost billions in the span of a few hours. And that's the name of that tune." The other two looked at him curiously. Finally, the last one says, "I hate to brag but I'm the saviour. People gave up on the good things in life and here I am." The other two started protesting saying that was just beyond belief so he said, "C'mon. I'll prove it." They walk around the corner to a local pub and as soon as the bartender sees him enter yells, "Jesus Christ! Are you back here again?". It's your first time As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. An 80-year old Mi'kmaq man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?" "I'm Mi'kmaq and I am a golfer," says the old guy,"and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of wine, and all is well." "Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?" "Who said my Dad's dead?" The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?" "He's 100 years old," says the old Mi'kmaq golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Mi'kmaq and he's a golfer too." "Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?" "Who said my grandpa's dead? He's still akick'n. " Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?" "He's 120 years old," says the old Mi'kmaq golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" "No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today." At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?" "Who said he wanted to?" I recently had my annual physical. Yes, I'm still arthritc, diabetic, old, fat and ugly. (I got a second opinion.) Then I told him about Liz and how I was enjoying sex for the first time in years and my hopes we might get married. He looked at me kind of concerned and said, "Aren't you worried about a heart attack or stroke?". I just smiled and said, "Not at all. She's in great shape." A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman answered. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to eat" "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS?!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine." As you might know, I've been feeding the squirrels in my area. I'm not sure why because they ARE rodents. In any case, I think I'll have to stop putting out all those tasty nuts. When I open the window, it makes a distinctive noise and they come running. Yesterday, I forgot that I was nude when I opened the window and I swear to god I heard one of them say "We'll eat one now and save his other one for winter". I'm going back to feeding the birds. I had a chance recently to take a date to the drive-in theater. It's an outdoor cinema where you sit in your car and listen to the movie on your radio. I got her a soda and popcorn from the snack bar and after the movie started, I slid over and put my arm around her. She just smiled so I got brave and put my other hand on her leg. She opened them and I figured I'm in like Flint so I asked her "Do you want to get in the back seat?". She just said no and gave me a long kiss. I started unbottoning her blouse and she offered no resistence so I reached around and undid her bra and gave those glorious globes a working over. Again, I asked "Do you want to get in the back seat?". She just said no and unzipped her skirt. Well, I'm not stupid so I started putting my hand to good use until she was moaning and ready for more. So I asked her "Are you sure you don't want to get in the back seat?". When she said no again, I asked her "Why the hell not?". That's when she said, "I want to stay up here with you." Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair drinking beer and watching Mandy mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I calmly replied, "I am - that's why she cuts the grass!" Female Poem I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen all day long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I want him to be gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind, And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I want this man to love me to no end, And forever be my very best friend. Male Poem I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat. I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" The World's Greatest Cowboy was captured by some Indians, who told him they would burn him at the stake at dawn, but because he was the World's Greatest Cowboy, they would give him a last request. The World's Greatest Cowboy said, "Let me talk to my horse." So he whispers in the horse's ear, the horse runs off, and returns in an hour with a beautiful redhead. He takes her into a teepee and makes love to her for a couple of hours. Finally she staggers out, gets on the horse, and rides away. An hour later the horse returns. The Indian chief says, "Now we know why you are called the World's Greatest Cowboy! That was a good horse trick, and we are good horsemen ourselves. We will give you another last request." The World's Greatest Cowboy asked to speak to the horse again. The horse runs off, and returns in an hour with a naked, beautiful, to die for, knock you off your feet blonde. The World's Greatest Cowboy takes her into the teepee and after three hours, she staggers out and has to be helped onto the horse, which carries her away and returns in an hour. The chief says, "The tribe is impressed, not only by your horse, but by your stamina and ability! Now we are certain why you are called the World's Greatest Cowboy, and are a great and honored enemy. We honor you, and we must still kill you at dawn, but we will still give you one more last request." The World's Greatest Cowboy walks up to the horse, grabs it by the head, and giving it a shake, says, "Posse! I said go and get me a POSSE!" A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket bat up his arse. A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after he had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much," she explained. "I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls." Got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic'. Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!! "Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled................... So I told her to piss off. A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Japanese girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Japanese girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna hand job?" she asked. "You bet," came the excited reply. "O.K.," she said, "I come back in ten minutes when you finish." A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter." So the man asks, "What's he cure, doctor?". To which the doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6 inches." The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering. Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-uck Y-y-you! A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy. The little boy says, " Dark in here." The man says, " Yes it is." Boy - " I have a baseball." Man - " That' s nice." Boy - " Want to buy it?" Man - " No, thanks." Boy - " My dad' s outside." Man - " OK, how much?" Boy - " $250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom' s lover are in the closet together. Boy - " Dark in here." Man - " Yes, it is." Boy - " I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, " How much?" Boy - " $750." Man - " Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, " Grab your glove. Let' s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth." The boy says, " I can' t. I sold them." The father asks, " How much did you sell them for?" The son says " $1,000." The father says, " That' s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I' m going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door. The boy says, " Dark in here." The priest says, " Don' t start that shit again." A man's in bed with his girlfriend. After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?' She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'. |