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The Nymphomaniac
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business...I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?" "Lecture," she responded. "I'm the lead lecturer where I use information I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Polish men who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you; I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Kowalski, but my friends call me Bubba." The Birds and the Bees - 2008 version A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" Well son, the father says, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in the chat room on F**ked Gaijin Forums. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said.............. "You've Got Male." Guy Rules We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down, do you? 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends and gay boyfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is a vegetable. We have no idea what mauve or taupe are. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as hockey, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping. At the doctor's "I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," replied his patient, "I'll come back when you are sober." The Divorce Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone. P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving to northern Maine together! Have a great life! Your EX-Wife Dear Ex-Wife: Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.95. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem. Your Ex-Husband. New Guinness Records? Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." The Hunchback of Notre Dame said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world." So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphantly, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world." Sometime later, the Hunchback of Notre Dame comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the heck is Rosie O'Donnell?" Sex on Mars The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. Just how do you guy do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears." Vasectomy Joke A man goes to a urologist about getting a vasectomy. He and his wife already have a litter and don't want any more. The doctor explains the procedure calmly but the man gets all bent out of shape and admits he's very squeamish about any work on the family jewels. After a discussion, they decide to put him under during the procedure. Sadly, the day of the surgery, the doctor starts off at the golf course and the combination of the sun in his eyes and alcohol with lunch affects his abilities. During the procedure his hand slips and one of the man's testicles falls on the floor and splat. The doctor panics and tells the nurse to run to the cafeteria and get cherry tomato as that seems about the right size. She returns with a baby onion and tells the doctor it's the only thing she could find that was right. Rather than face the expense and humiliation of a law suit, the doctor proceeds to insert the onion and patch things up. Two months later, the man returns to have his sample checked and everything appears as it should {no sperm}. During the consultation, the doctor asks if everything seems to be okay. "Now that you mention it", says the man, "there are a couple of weird things I've noticed." "First, every time I drive by a burger stand, I get an erection." "Second, whenever my wife and I have sex now, she gets gas." "But the weirdest thing is whenever I urinate, my eyes waters." Doctor - Again A man visits a urologist for a problem with his penis. As soon as he drops his pants, the doctor starts laughing as the patient has the smallest weenie he's ever seen. After a few minutes, the doctor composes himself and says, "I'm so very sorry for laughing. That was very unprofessional. I give you my word as a doctor and a gentleman that it won't happen again. So tell me what your problem is." The patient says, "It's swollen." |