Pages |
As most comedians say on the way up, "I got a million of them!". I've been collecting jokes and odd news stories since before there was an Internet. And I'm still collecting them. This page will always hold the jokes that made me laugh since the last time I changed the page. (^o^) Now that fishing season is here, I'll start with a couple fishing jokes. Two stupid tourists decided to rent a boat to go fishing and turn down the advice of the lovely woman behind the counter. They tried this spot and that and hours later had no fish and not even a nibble. Finally, the boat drifted close to shore and things started happening. Within half an hour, they had caught their limit. The first tourist says, "I want to mark this spot so the next time we come we can find it." He then proceeds to mark a large red "X" in the middle of the boat. The other fisherman just starts shaking his head. When the first dummy sees this he says, "What's the matter?". The second one says, "That's just stupid. Now anyone who rents the boat will know where the fish are". Of course these two had come to Maine during the winter to do some ice fishing. They went to L. L. Bean's to buy all the right gear. After a couple hours of freezing on the ice, a young boy walks out on the lake and drills a small hole. Within minutes, he's pulling fish after fish out of the water until he has his limit. As he's packing his gear, the two dumb tourists walk up to him and say, "We've been here for hours without a single bite and you show up and catch your fill. What's your secret?". The boy just slings the line of fish over his shoulder and mumbles something they don't understand. "I'm sorry", said one, "but I didn't understand. The little boy mumbles even louder but with the same results. "I still don't understand", said the tourist. The boy then spits out a huge wad of earthworms and says, "You have to keep the bait warm." A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650. "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests." Of course it's always entertaining to run into Rufus Leaky, the local town fool. He's a good person but sometimes his lack of mental ability is rather hilarious. I ran into him this morning and he had a book under one arm and a bag or bird seed under the other. He showed me the book and told me he needed a woman in his life and decided to read up on how to make one happy by renting "How to Hug" from the library. I really hated to tell him it was volume eleven of the encyclopedia. When I asked about the bird seed he said, "Last year I planted some flowers and they really came out beautiful. I figured this year I'd try my hand at birds." Then he mentioned wanting to buy an Alaskan cow. I'd never heard of it but he claims he should be able to get frozen milk and ice cream from it. I'm not really sure why I'm bothering with these jokes. I had a rough week at work and had to fire my executive assistant. Wednesday was my 55th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought "Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids, they will remember." My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent. As I walked into my office, my executive assistant Eliza said, "Good Morning, kimosabe (it means Chief), and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Eliza knocked on my door and said, "You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Eliza, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!" We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Eliza said, "You know, It’s such a beautiful day We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?" I replied, "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Eliza turned to me and said, If you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back." I nervously replied, "OK". She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And I just stupidly sat there on the couch. Naked. There's a new store in town where you can buy a husband. They have a nifty way to do business and a sign to explain how it works. Welcome to the Man Store. There are six levels with the potential husbands better on each level. Please begin on the first floor and if you are not satisfied, you may go up a level. However, the elevator only goes down to the lobby and the exits. Once you go above a floor, you may not return to it. A woman is anxious for a husband and after reading the sign goes to the first floor. As soon as the doors open, she sees a sign that says, "First floor. All men on this level have a job. There seem to be a hundred men all smiling at her. The woman thinks, "Great but there must be something better upstairs" and immediately pushes button 2. The door opens and she sees another sign. All men on this floor have jobs and love children and cats Although there are fewer men, the woman thinks, "This is even better", but she can't resist pushing the button for 3. Third floor. All the men in this department have jobs, love children and cats and enjoy helping with the housework. The number of men seem to be even fewer yet the woman can't help but push the button for the fourth floor. The customer is suprised to read the next sign which says, All the men here have jobs, love children and cats, enjoy helping with the housework and are very romantic. The woman is amazed to see how many men there are available. But she pushes the button for 5. All the men on this floor have jobs, love children and cats, enjoy housework, are very romantic and are handsome is the sign on the fifth floor. There are barely a dozen men but the woman decides she is worthy of something more so she pushes the button for 6. When she arrives, the only thing on the floor is a sign. Welcome to the sixth floor. There are no men here. This floor exists only to demonstrate that you just can't please a woman. Thank you for visiting the Man Store. |