Pages |
Three men met at the first tee one Saturday morning. The first gets up to place his ball and says, "I can't believe I had to promise that battle-axe I'd clean out the garage just so I could come golfing" as his drive drifted into the woods on the right. The second one addresses his ball and says, "Yes, I had to promise my ball and chain that I'd paint our garage" as his drive flew off to the right. The third man just smiled and shook his head as he hit a perfect drive down the fairway. The first man said, "What did you have to promise .. oh .. nice shot". Nothing, the third golfer said. "I just kissed her on the cheek at 4:30 and said, 'Good morning, sexy. Golf course or intercourse?'. She said, 'Don't forget to bring a sweater with you'." A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin. Some one-line puns. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. I went to the butcher the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel. Two Inuit were sitting in a kayak getting very chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men or a virgin. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable. It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead. WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son." "Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? " The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack! With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc." A cat dies and goes to Heaven (of course!). God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a two beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!" A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde sitting by herself. Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?" Lady: "No thank you; alcohol is bad for my legs." Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Lady: "No, they open!" Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2010 models. I saw one I really liked" MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000" MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment. He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" I was sitting in the living room with Mandy and Liz when I suddendly realized I didn't want to be on life support if I got real ill. So I told them, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state; dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that should ever happen, I want you to pull the plug". They got up, unplugged the television and threw out all my beer. |